Times When I miss my home the most

Coming to USA for my studies has been a dream come true.No doubt I am happy and may be on a road to success(?),money etc. etc.When I came here I was surprisingly the member of that minority group who miss their home rarely unlike everyone who just cannot stop thinking about their home and beloved ones every moment.It made me think am I so selfish and greedy for success that I have lost such feelings.It took me quite a long to figure what was actually the problem with me.I have always been underachieving in my life(atleast to me).So whenever I achieve something I really dream about and want that so eagerly it takes a while before I can actually come out of the trance I would say.The same happened when I got into Narendrapur.I remember to be the last person to cry when I found all of the newcomers crying every other moment.Finally, I did cry one day .....BUT it was due to the most unusual reasons one can think of.It was because my parents who usually used to be right on time on "visiting days" were late for 10 minutes.I was then too young to notice that.Now when I look back and compare myself with that kid and this grown up boy I find some strange similarities. I suddenly gain a deep insight into my character.... a self-realization would be a more proper term.

Getting and admit and finally landing in USA was as coveted a dream as was getting into Narendrapur.So when I came here I was too happy and excited to even remind me of my home.Neither did I miss home when I had to cook food or had to clean my clothes.But I miss my home for the most unusual reasons one can think of.I will start with today(which actually inspired me to write this blog entry).I was listening to song from a Bengali film Anuranon.Subsequently I decided to check out the latest Bengali movies released in 2009.I found a movie called Antaheen (from the same director)to be interesting.I looked all over the internet for links to watch the movie online(only option left .....no Bengali films in US halls around me .... ) but I could not find a single link.I was sitting thinking how can I actually watch the movie and suddenly scenes flashed in my thoughts.Scenes where I saw myself standing in ques in front of Priya to watch my favourite movies.It was a hall I always felt so attached to.I always preferred watching movies there more than the popular multiplexes.So here I was sitting on the couch of my living room and I just cant stop thinking about my home.I felt what the hell am I doing here.....I do not belong here but to my city my home....which has the craziest cricket fans you will find ever,the city which does not sleep for 5 days on the occasion of Durga Puja,a city which is the hub of cultural masterpieces, a city where you find world's best food...... I can go on.But my bonding with Kolkata is not at all evident at most of the times.It always needs a spark something like what happened today.I do not know what conclusion people might draw from this....but this what I am.Deep down I miss my home,my city, my parents and everything that was once part of my life so so much.BUT I never ever realize it ....or show it.Only when I am alone and some strange things acts as spark I start missing everything . The spark can be anything from my inability to watch certain type of Bengali movies to the strange smell in the air on a rainy day......they are always so insignificant and unusual and yet have such a great impact on me.I do not know why is this so but may be during my days back home I had developed a strong bonding with this seemingly insignificant and unusual things.May be these things actually help me being myself .They help me come out of the shell of ambition,greed for success which hides my true inner self which is still too tender and hence susceptible to the slightest of emotional tickle I will term.I wish all those who think I do not remember them or do not miss them anymore read this and know I still miss you all but may be in a way does not fall under the conventional definition of 'missing'.Believe me somewhere deep within my heart is suppressed my immense love for all those whom I do not have with me right here right now.The feelings are never evident perhaps because as shy as me.......I feel like comparing this with something really strange.In turbulence there are something called Kolmogorov scales which are the smallest scales which are essentially of the same nature of any type of turbulent flow and hence used to characterize the flow.In the same way all those small hidden emotions are may be the smallest facets of my inner self but they are what can describe me best.