Being in Love VS Being Loved

It was yet another morning of loneliness on the couch......another morning of solitude in the company of my favourite playlists.As I was sitting alone unable to decide whether to take bit more rest before another long tiring day or to get to work right away some strange thoughts cropped up in my mind yet again.And again blogging comes to the rescue.I have been thinking for quite sometime now as how good a romantic and lovable person am I (by the love here has no universal implication like brotherly love,friendly love etc.. :P).In my life I think I have got a fair idea about myself as son, as a friend,to some extent as a brother,as a student......but I am still NOT sure where exactly I stand when it comes to being a lovable and/or loving person.The more I thought the more I realized perhaps I have no clear idea about this side of my character as I still cannot choose between being a very loving person and a very lovable person.And I know people will jump onto this question and say be BOTH.But life has taught me a lesson not to expect too much from myself as far as this area is concerned.So I will be happy to be atleast one of those two.

Now, am I a lovable person?There was once a time in a life when I got the answer to this question and no prizes for guessing the answer and the person I got it from.But the thing is now the answer from the same person has changed.I will not say whether its right or wrong now but its obviously something still questionable.Hence, here I am asking to myself am I lovable person?There have been times I have asked the question to some of friends...the reply I got was equivocally no(at least they were nice to me .. :P).Anyways they used a host of adjectives like cute,brilliant,good at heart,true friend and finally any girl will find me lovable....but it has always been "any girl".But the catch is that 'any girl' phrase....none of them actually said I find you quite lovable.That is perhaps because they never did....Even worse is the fact that after my break up it there is a quite a few number of people actually find me a person who can never be lovable.But these are what people think about me....When I ask myself the question the answer is unequivocally no(for now...).Now why do I think so has a whole lot of reasons some of which I cant express,some of which I don't wanna express and rest which I can express will perhaps one day make a separate blog entry..........

Now am I loving person?This is a question which I feel anyone should not answer because it can only be answered by someone whom I actually love/loved or by someone who finds me lovable.Because unless until and unless they fall in any one of the above categories they will either not care to look for any loving nature in me and/or they will never get to know as I will take no efforts to actually be loving.

Hence, I am stuck in a vicious circle.Few people find me loving irrespective of the fact whether I LIKE them or not.Thus my Liking never turns into Loving.Consequently whether I am loving or not is a question remains unanswered.

But till now it was more of discussion about facets of my nature and personality.Next comes my choice which has nothing to do with what I am.So when I ask myself do I want to be loved or be in love with someone a spontaneous first answer will be.........BOTH.But that for now seems too good to be true.So the immediate choice will be BEING LOVED.People desire what they have not achieved in life.You can be in love with someone with any expectations of reciprocation of feelings.I must not deny it is sweet at times to be in love with someone and be unsure about her feelings.Thinking about her all the time,always expecting something to happen when I am with her,always trying to be a nice,charming persons etc.does at times make you so happy and life exciting.But the the fear of rejection,fear of hearing that you are not a lovable person to me,or in the worst scenario actually realizing she can never be yours outweighs the sweetness of being in love.... atleast to me.On the contrary I will love to beloved by SOMEONE SOMEDAY....to actually feel being loved every moment.To feel it being expressed for me even when she puts in her best effort to hide it from me.It will be a moment of a lifetime for me and believe me I long for it every second of my life.BUT it is what I WANT and NOT WHAT I GET.

But, there is a twist to every possibilities of life.Its like what if I do not find her loving even if she loves me with all her heart.Will I not put her into the same situation I myself don't to be in.What if I am incapable to honor her love being too busy too look for the ideal match of loving with being loved.And honestly I do not want to do that.After everything what I have done and seen in my life I DO NOT WANT TO HURT SOMEONE WHERE IT HURTS MOST.

So, in the long run I feel that may be loving someone without any expectation is the best thing to do.Its easier said than done .Perhaps its better to keep yourself happy with the fact you love someone and not think about all those things related to it which sometimes hurts like hell.Its better to choose to hurt yourself than hurting someone else as life always gives you a chance to make yourself happy again but you might not even have a chance to say sorry to someone whom you might end up hurting.

I think I should put an end to my mental dilemma of choosing between being loved or being in love for good and look forward to all those things life has in store for me.