Saturday and Sunday are the two days of the week I really look forward to.These are the days when I get to sleep as much as I like without worrying about the moment of truth...when I have to decide should I actually go for classes today or not. I am having one of the busiest phase of my life nowadays. I have two term papers to write. A couple of HWs to submit one of which was due three weeks ago. I have a my finals for which I have to study quite a bit.Most importantly I have my qualifiers from June 8.Added to that is the burden of my stupid thoughts and feelings...well not quite stupid may be. So as I spend most of this weekend writing the Turbulence term paper... and I have no idea what I am writing there. The only good things that has been refreshing me are the drive down to Philly, playing tennis(or should I term trying to play tennis?) and few nice dreams I had in my sleep......People keep telling me that how much time I waste by sleeping and this can only harm my prospects of becoming a successful graduate students. But little do they know for a person like me who is so deeply emotional, a bit cynical and almost never happy in the real sense of the term, how important sleeping is. Not to mention its a time of relief from all the stress and worries.But it is also the time for my dreams to rule supreme.Dreams in which I can be anything from the captain of Indian Cricket team to a Nobel Laurette.Where I can see myself getting straight A's in the courses or publishing papers in JFM or Physics of Fluids.Where I don't need to choose whether I will be a loved person or a loving person.In short its a place where there are no places for the words failure and incapability.So when I wake up, believe me or not I am quite refreshed and ready to start my life again....where I have to face the reality which perhaps only knows failure and incapability.
Problem is now when I really need to get some sleep so that I do not doze off in the class and start scribbling 'Sumerian script' in my notebook I am awake writing blog. Neither can I sleep nor can I do any of the things I put in the to do list given in the beginning of the blog.Why? I know the answer and few of the important people in my life know that too....but unfortunately none has the solution to that.The fact is that past few months in USA has changed me a lot.....it has made me more incapable to accept few harsh truths in life and move on with life.I just do not have any more courage to believe that failures are the pillars of success.I have lost that spirit to fight.....spirit to strive for a better future.So I am looking for inspirations everywhere.Perhaps looking for help to get me out of all this.Anyways its almost 6AM and I just might take a walk down to campus.It will be a bit refreshing I guess before the class.Hence putting an end to this story stating my frustrations....
Monday, May 11, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Things I miss most nowadays
My life has always been full of ups and downs.Happy moments or moments of despair have always been with me give a nice contrast to the colors of life.It has been almost a year from the day I landed in US with big dreams and high hopes.
So here I am far away from my home,my old friends and my beloved family...I have made new friends.New admirers (may be.....) and added a few that long list of people who really dislikes me.I got a lot which I once dreamed of.But life always gives with one hand and takes away with other.I was no exception and those things,those moments that I have lost sometimes make me so sad.And for some reasons I have started missing some special things nowadays.
Will start with my college life.It was rocking..not that I was a great champ or hunk of my college.Just an average normal guy with a normal friends circle.But I miss those days when I never was able to reach the college by 10:20 or times when people will enjoy me mimicking my class mates,professors.Times when we spent hours in canteen doing nothing or failing miserably in my attempt to a decent carom player(instead I ended up being called "Angry Young Carom Player").But these are all general things but there were times which were special and may be unique to us.Like the time we found out that there was a nice view of the city from the fifth floor balcony in the instrumentation wing.It was always kind of windy up there and we could see all the huge water bodies that was there in the vicinity and houses road etc. etc.After I had someone special in my life I never really got time to go there again with my friends.Now I feel what I missed out.There was yet another place in my college which I feel lot attached too.It was the roof of our building atop six stories.We used to have such awesome time till authorities banned students from going there because of some safety issues.I miss those long session of useless chatting in the canteen.It was a time when I was not afraid to express what I feel as we were together not to criticize or scrutinize each other but to listen to one another.For someone like me who sometimes need to let go the burden of thoughts accumulating so often it was so refreshing.It was a phase filled with the innocence and perhaps the fear we will have to change our true self to make us ' true professionals'.There are so many small but yet cherished memories of my college days that I can never stop talking about them.
Next I miss the feeling of being in a home....in a family and not a house full of people.I honestly do not remember when was the last time I had warm and cozy bed to sleep on after a tiring day at work.I miss the warmth of affection...My mother used to scold me so much on issues like staying up late in the night, or having dinner too late, or sleeping so much.I used to get irritated so much and wished when will this end.For gods sake I am old enough to decide what I do and when I do those things.But now that I am free to do whatever I wish ..I just cant stop myself from missing those scoldings.As their absence reminds me of the fact that I am all by myself here.No one is here to bestow such unconditional love and care.So even though I have my own room,my own desk,my own TV,sofa etc etc but I cannot combine them to make something which I can call HOME........................
Apart from all these I miss certain things which were such an integral part of my life.I have always loved playing soccer and cricket.Not that I am a good player but it was just so fun.I miss those moments on the field with my friends.Times when you could let go all burdens of studies,expectations....
How can I forget to mention about Indian movies.Man I was so fond of those.Used to keep myself updated.Now I just have lost track of all of those.To know about the latest movies I have google things up.And due to constraints of time have to go through the review of any movies before actually watching it.....I just cant watch a movie if I just want to watch it as I am afraid if I do not like it I might repent too much on wasting too much time.
And , finally I miss being myself...miss being that dreamer...miss being that disobedient yet loved son......miss being romantic...being emotional.
BUT I know there is no point in complaining.I chose this path myself as I chose professional success over inner happiness may be with the belief that one day my professional success will allow me to have all the time in the world to look for that real happiness.........
So here I am far away from my home,my old friends and my beloved family...I have made new friends.New admirers (may be.....) and added a few that long list of people who really dislikes me.I got a lot which I once dreamed of.But life always gives with one hand and takes away with other.I was no exception and those things,those moments that I have lost sometimes make me so sad.And for some reasons I have started missing some special things nowadays.
Will start with my college life.It was rocking..not that I was a great champ or hunk of my college.Just an average normal guy with a normal friends circle.But I miss those days when I never was able to reach the college by 10:20 or times when people will enjoy me mimicking my class mates,professors.Times when we spent hours in canteen doing nothing or failing miserably in my attempt to a decent carom player(instead I ended up being called "Angry Young Carom Player").But these are all general things but there were times which were special and may be unique to us.Like the time we found out that there was a nice view of the city from the fifth floor balcony in the instrumentation wing.It was always kind of windy up there and we could see all the huge water bodies that was there in the vicinity and houses road etc. etc.After I had someone special in my life I never really got time to go there again with my friends.Now I feel what I missed out.There was yet another place in my college which I feel lot attached too.It was the roof of our building atop six stories.We used to have such awesome time till authorities banned students from going there because of some safety issues.I miss those long session of useless chatting in the canteen.It was a time when I was not afraid to express what I feel as we were together not to criticize or scrutinize each other but to listen to one another.For someone like me who sometimes need to let go the burden of thoughts accumulating so often it was so refreshing.It was a phase filled with the innocence and perhaps the fear we will have to change our true self to make us ' true professionals'.There are so many small but yet cherished memories of my college days that I can never stop talking about them.
Next I miss the feeling of being in a home....in a family and not a house full of people.I honestly do not remember when was the last time I had warm and cozy bed to sleep on after a tiring day at work.I miss the warmth of affection...My mother used to scold me so much on issues like staying up late in the night, or having dinner too late, or sleeping so much.I used to get irritated so much and wished when will this end.For gods sake I am old enough to decide what I do and when I do those things.But now that I am free to do whatever I wish ..I just cant stop myself from missing those scoldings.As their absence reminds me of the fact that I am all by myself here.No one is here to bestow such unconditional love and care.So even though I have my own room,my own desk,my own TV,sofa etc etc but I cannot combine them to make something which I can call HOME........................
Apart from all these I miss certain things which were such an integral part of my life.I have always loved playing soccer and cricket.Not that I am a good player but it was just so fun.I miss those moments on the field with my friends.Times when you could let go all burdens of studies,expectations....
How can I forget to mention about Indian movies.Man I was so fond of those.Used to keep myself updated.Now I just have lost track of all of those.To know about the latest movies I have google things up.And due to constraints of time have to go through the review of any movies before actually watching it.....I just cant watch a movie if I just want to watch it as I am afraid if I do not like it I might repent too much on wasting too much time.
And , finally I miss being myself...miss being that dreamer...miss being that disobedient yet loved son......miss being romantic...being emotional.
BUT I know there is no point in complaining.I chose this path myself as I chose professional success over inner happiness may be with the belief that one day my professional success will allow me to have all the time in the world to look for that real happiness.........
Monday, April 27, 2009
Few Random Thoughts..
We have no idea where life will take us.We have people around us who become such good friends and then we go our separate ways.We still are friends but we are remembered for the part we once played in each others life...Life will not usually give you a second chance to make a mark in the lives of so many people.
I was speaking to one of my best friends here and during our course of discussion it was mentioned that I was an integral part of her decision taking process.Quite a compliment for me I must accept. But I realized I would rather like her to be independent of my views when she takes any decision.May be a couple of years down the line I might not be here to help her.I do not know why but I would like my friends to miss me as.....Shishu helped me understand how to this rather than if Shishu was here he would have done this for me.In that way it makes me feel I made the tiniest bit of difference in their life.And then suddenly I realized that we have such small periods of time together with our friends sometimes before we go apart..but we still do not realize it until we are actually not together.Had I understood that the four years of college life will just end in a twinkle of eyes perhaps I would have atleast put some more effort to make our times together even more memorable....like leaving a mark behind.I know best way to do them is to do them spontaneously but still.....
Thinking about this I thought of the memories a few people has left behind in my life and they cheered me up...I even just laughed out remembering few funny and weird incidents of those golden days.I realized may be when they are sad and depressed they too think about memories I left behind for them and it felt so pleasing.And I felt like putting more effort to listening to the problems of my friends and trying to help them out than make them listen to mine(...THAT HUGE BORING LIST..) because life will never give me second chance to make a mark in their life.
Nothing will make me more happy if I am remembered by my friends when they are looking for some happy memories to cheer them up amidst of all the frustrations in life.
To all my friends who are not with me now but who are always with me as memories to cheer me up,to make me laugh and to make me love my life every moment......
I was speaking to one of my best friends here and during our course of discussion it was mentioned that I was an integral part of her decision taking process.Quite a compliment for me I must accept. But I realized I would rather like her to be independent of my views when she takes any decision.May be a couple of years down the line I might not be here to help her.I do not know why but I would like my friends to miss me as.....Shishu helped me understand how to this rather than if Shishu was here he would have done this for me.In that way it makes me feel I made the tiniest bit of difference in their life.And then suddenly I realized that we have such small periods of time together with our friends sometimes before we go apart..but we still do not realize it until we are actually not together.Had I understood that the four years of college life will just end in a twinkle of eyes perhaps I would have atleast put some more effort to make our times together even more memorable....like leaving a mark behind.I know best way to do them is to do them spontaneously but still.....
Thinking about this I thought of the memories a few people has left behind in my life and they cheered me up...I even just laughed out remembering few funny and weird incidents of those golden days.I realized may be when they are sad and depressed they too think about memories I left behind for them and it felt so pleasing.And I felt like putting more effort to listening to the problems of my friends and trying to help them out than make them listen to mine(...THAT HUGE BORING LIST..) because life will never give me second chance to make a mark in their life.
Nothing will make me more happy if I am remembered by my friends when they are looking for some happy memories to cheer them up amidst of all the frustrations in life.
To all my friends who are not with me now but who are always with me as memories to cheer me up,to make me laugh and to make me love my life every moment......
Friday, April 17, 2009
........
Sometimes you feel like writing stuff which you cannot put under any topic.They are too random a thought.There are quite a few things I regret in my life. It obviously includes my inability to make my past relationship work. But it was something which taught me a lot in life. Things where I went wrong and things where she went wrong. Obviously I will try my best to do things right next time( if life do give me a second chance ... ;) ).
Anyways, one thing that was true is that inspite of our best efforts I kept quite a few things unsaid. I felt if I tell her those she will be to angry and leave me.I know its so dumb of me.But I don't know I was just too scared of losing her and in the end realized that those unsaid things has actually taken us too apart. Hence, when I look at people doing the same thing I just cannot stop myself from telling them that its shouldn't be the way it is. Obviously, I will not just set out on a mission to help the world. BUT sometimes there are special people in your life with whom you can actually share what life has taught you and perhaps make life a little better. I always believe that the happiness you get from making others happy (even by the tiniest bit) will make you much more blissfully happy than actually putting in the same effort for your own happiness. And when life gives me the opportunity to that and I am not dumb to miss it it just makes me so happy. So inspite of the last few weeks of personal and professional disappointment I am so happy now that I feel like I am filled with a new vigor to start from the scratch again. As if I am finally able to let go all complaints,all frustrations, all grudges. But the best part it in the entire process everyone involved just got a wonderful moment that they will perhaps cherish for quite sometime.
So here I am so so happy and no one here to tell what I feel. So I felt why not tell to everyone who cares to look into my thoughts even when they cant actually be with me.
I must say in the end that this blog is dedicated to two of the nicest persons I had the opportunity to know,and two of my best friends.It was a really a gift to have you as my friends and I know what I did today is nothing what you people have done for me and I can only pray that you two remain a happy and a sweet couple forever.You guys rock!!!!!
Anyways, one thing that was true is that inspite of our best efforts I kept quite a few things unsaid. I felt if I tell her those she will be to angry and leave me.I know its so dumb of me.But I don't know I was just too scared of losing her and in the end realized that those unsaid things has actually taken us too apart. Hence, when I look at people doing the same thing I just cannot stop myself from telling them that its shouldn't be the way it is. Obviously, I will not just set out on a mission to help the world. BUT sometimes there are special people in your life with whom you can actually share what life has taught you and perhaps make life a little better. I always believe that the happiness you get from making others happy (even by the tiniest bit) will make you much more blissfully happy than actually putting in the same effort for your own happiness. And when life gives me the opportunity to that and I am not dumb to miss it it just makes me so happy. So inspite of the last few weeks of personal and professional disappointment I am so happy now that I feel like I am filled with a new vigor to start from the scratch again. As if I am finally able to let go all complaints,all frustrations, all grudges. But the best part it in the entire process everyone involved just got a wonderful moment that they will perhaps cherish for quite sometime.
So here I am so so happy and no one here to tell what I feel. So I felt why not tell to everyone who cares to look into my thoughts even when they cant actually be with me.
I must say in the end that this blog is dedicated to two of the nicest persons I had the opportunity to know,and two of my best friends.It was a really a gift to have you as my friends and I know what I did today is nothing what you people have done for me and I can only pray that you two remain a happy and a sweet couple forever.You guys rock!!!!!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Being in Love VS Being Loved
It was yet another morning of loneliness on the couch......another morning of solitude in the company of my favourite playlists.As I was sitting alone unable to decide whether to take bit more rest before another long tiring day or to get to work right away some strange thoughts cropped up in my mind yet again.And again blogging comes to the rescue.I have been thinking for quite sometime now as how good a romantic and lovable person am I (by the love here has no universal implication like brotherly love,friendly love etc.. :P).In my life I think I have got a fair idea about myself as son, as a friend,to some extent as a brother,as a student......but I am still NOT sure where exactly I stand when it comes to being a lovable and/or loving person.The more I thought the more I realized perhaps I have no clear idea about this side of my character as I still cannot choose between being a very loving person and a very lovable person.And I know people will jump onto this question and say be BOTH.But life has taught me a lesson not to expect too much from myself as far as this area is concerned.So I will be happy to be atleast one of those two.
Now, am I a lovable person?There was once a time in a life when I got the answer to this question and no prizes for guessing the answer and the person I got it from.But the thing is now the answer from the same person has changed.I will not say whether its right or wrong now but its obviously something still questionable.Hence, here I am asking to myself am I lovable person?There have been times I have asked the question to some of friends...the reply I got was equivocally no(at least they were nice to me .. :P).Anyways they used a host of adjectives like cute,brilliant,good at heart,true friend and finally any girl will find me lovable....but it has always been "any girl".But the catch is that 'any girl' phrase....none of them actually said I find you quite lovable.That is perhaps because they never did....Even worse is the fact that after my break up it there is a quite a few number of people actually find me a person who can never be lovable.But these are what people think about me....When I ask myself the question the answer is unequivocally no(for now...).Now why do I think so has a whole lot of reasons some of which I cant express,some of which I don't wanna express and rest which I can express will perhaps one day make a separate blog entry..........
Now am I loving person?This is a question which I feel anyone should not answer because it can only be answered by someone whom I actually love/loved or by someone who finds me lovable.Because unless until and unless they fall in any one of the above categories they will either not care to look for any loving nature in me and/or they will never get to know as I will take no efforts to actually be loving.
Hence, I am stuck in a vicious circle.Few people find me loving irrespective of the fact whether I LIKE them or not.Thus my Liking never turns into Loving.Consequently whether I am loving or not is a question remains unanswered.
But till now it was more of discussion about facets of my nature and personality.Next comes my choice which has nothing to do with what I am.So when I ask myself do I want to be loved or be in love with someone a spontaneous first answer will be.........BOTH.But that for now seems too good to be true.So the immediate choice will be BEING LOVED.People desire what they have not achieved in life.You can be in love with someone with any expectations of reciprocation of feelings.I must not deny it is sweet at times to be in love with someone and be unsure about her feelings.Thinking about her all the time,always expecting something to happen when I am with her,always trying to be a nice,charming persons etc.does at times make you so happy and life exciting.But the the fear of rejection,fear of hearing that you are not a lovable person to me,or in the worst scenario actually realizing she can never be yours outweighs the sweetness of being in love.... atleast to me.On the contrary I will love to beloved by SOMEONE SOMEDAY....to actually feel being loved every moment.To feel it being expressed for me even when she puts in her best effort to hide it from me.It will be a moment of a lifetime for me and believe me I long for it every second of my life.BUT it is what I WANT and NOT WHAT I GET.
But, there is a twist to every possibilities of life.Its like what if I do not find her loving even if she loves me with all her heart.Will I not put her into the same situation I myself don't to be in.What if I am incapable to honor her love being too busy too look for the ideal match of loving with being loved.And honestly I do not want to do that.After everything what I have done and seen in my life I DO NOT WANT TO HURT SOMEONE WHERE IT HURTS MOST.
So, in the long run I feel that may be loving someone without any expectation is the best thing to do.Its easier said than done .Perhaps its better to keep yourself happy with the fact you love someone and not think about all those things related to it which sometimes hurts like hell.Its better to choose to hurt yourself than hurting someone else as life always gives you a chance to make yourself happy again but you might not even have a chance to say sorry to someone whom you might end up hurting.
I think I should put an end to my mental dilemma of choosing between being loved or being in love for good and look forward to all those things life has in store for me.
Now, am I a lovable person?There was once a time in a life when I got the answer to this question and no prizes for guessing the answer and the person I got it from.But the thing is now the answer from the same person has changed.I will not say whether its right or wrong now but its obviously something still questionable.Hence, here I am asking to myself am I lovable person?There have been times I have asked the question to some of friends...the reply I got was equivocally no(at least they were nice to me .. :P).Anyways they used a host of adjectives like cute,brilliant,good at heart,true friend and finally any girl will find me lovable....but it has always been "any girl".But the catch is that 'any girl' phrase....none of them actually said I find you quite lovable.That is perhaps because they never did....Even worse is the fact that after my break up it there is a quite a few number of people actually find me a person who can never be lovable.But these are what people think about me....When I ask myself the question the answer is unequivocally no(for now...).Now why do I think so has a whole lot of reasons some of which I cant express,some of which I don't wanna express and rest which I can express will perhaps one day make a separate blog entry..........
Now am I loving person?This is a question which I feel anyone should not answer because it can only be answered by someone whom I actually love/loved or by someone who finds me lovable.Because unless until and unless they fall in any one of the above categories they will either not care to look for any loving nature in me and/or they will never get to know as I will take no efforts to actually be loving.
Hence, I am stuck in a vicious circle.Few people find me loving irrespective of the fact whether I LIKE them or not.Thus my Liking never turns into Loving.Consequently whether I am loving or not is a question remains unanswered.
But till now it was more of discussion about facets of my nature and personality.Next comes my choice which has nothing to do with what I am.So when I ask myself do I want to be loved or be in love with someone a spontaneous first answer will be.........BOTH.But that for now seems too good to be true.So the immediate choice will be BEING LOVED.People desire what they have not achieved in life.You can be in love with someone with any expectations of reciprocation of feelings.I must not deny it is sweet at times to be in love with someone and be unsure about her feelings.Thinking about her all the time,always expecting something to happen when I am with her,always trying to be a nice,charming persons etc.does at times make you so happy and life exciting.But the the fear of rejection,fear of hearing that you are not a lovable person to me,or in the worst scenario actually realizing she can never be yours outweighs the sweetness of being in love.... atleast to me.On the contrary I will love to beloved by SOMEONE SOMEDAY....to actually feel being loved every moment.To feel it being expressed for me even when she puts in her best effort to hide it from me.It will be a moment of a lifetime for me and believe me I long for it every second of my life.BUT it is what I WANT and NOT WHAT I GET.
But, there is a twist to every possibilities of life.Its like what if I do not find her loving even if she loves me with all her heart.Will I not put her into the same situation I myself don't to be in.What if I am incapable to honor her love being too busy too look for the ideal match of loving with being loved.And honestly I do not want to do that.After everything what I have done and seen in my life I DO NOT WANT TO HURT SOMEONE WHERE IT HURTS MOST.
So, in the long run I feel that may be loving someone without any expectation is the best thing to do.Its easier said than done .Perhaps its better to keep yourself happy with the fact you love someone and not think about all those things related to it which sometimes hurts like hell.Its better to choose to hurt yourself than hurting someone else as life always gives you a chance to make yourself happy again but you might not even have a chance to say sorry to someone whom you might end up hurting.
I think I should put an end to my mental dilemma of choosing between being loved or being in love for good and look forward to all those things life has in store for me.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Times When I miss my home the most
Coming to USA for my studies has been a dream come true.No doubt I am happy and may be on a road to success(?),money etc. etc.When I came here I was surprisingly the member of that minority group who miss their home rarely unlike everyone who just cannot stop thinking about their home and beloved ones every moment.It made me think am I so selfish and greedy for success that I have lost such feelings.It took me quite a long to figure what was actually the problem with me.I have always been underachieving in my life(atleast to me).So whenever I achieve something I really dream about and want that so eagerly it takes a while before I can actually come out of the trance I would say.The same happened when I got into Narendrapur.I remember to be the last person to cry when I found all of the newcomers crying every other moment.Finally, I did cry one day .....BUT it was due to the most unusual reasons one can think of.It was because my parents who usually used to be right on time on "visiting days" were late for 10 minutes.I was then too young to notice that.Now when I look back and compare myself with that kid and this grown up boy I find some strange similarities. I suddenly gain a deep insight into my character.... a self-realization would be a more proper term.
Getting and admit and finally landing in USA was as coveted a dream as was getting into Narendrapur.So when I came here I was too happy and excited to even remind me of my home.Neither did I miss home when I had to cook food or had to clean my clothes.But I miss my home for the most unusual reasons one can think of.I will start with today(which actually inspired me to write this blog entry).I was listening to song from a Bengali film Anuranon.Subsequently I decided to check out the latest Bengali movies released in 2009.I found a movie called Antaheen (from the same director)to be interesting.I looked all over the internet for links to watch the movie online(only option left .....no Bengali films in US halls around me .... ) but I could not find a single link.I was sitting thinking how can I actually watch the movie and suddenly scenes flashed in my thoughts.Scenes where I saw myself standing in ques in front of Priya to watch my favourite movies.It was a hall I always felt so attached to.I always preferred watching movies there more than the popular multiplexes.So here I was sitting on the couch of my living room and I just cant stop thinking about my home.I felt what the hell am I doing here.....I do not belong here but to my city my home....which has the craziest cricket fans you will find ever,the city which does not sleep for 5 days on the occasion of Durga Puja,a city which is the hub of cultural masterpieces, a city where you find world's best food...... I can go on.But my bonding with Kolkata is not at all evident at most of the times.It always needs a spark something like what happened today.I do not know what conclusion people might draw from this....but this what I am.Deep down I miss my home,my city, my parents and everything that was once part of my life so so much.BUT I never ever realize it ....or show it.Only when I am alone and some strange things acts as spark I start missing everything . The spark can be anything from my inability to watch certain type of Bengali movies to the strange smell in the air on a rainy day......they are always so insignificant and unusual and yet have such a great impact on me.I do not know why is this so but may be during my days back home I had developed a strong bonding with this seemingly insignificant and unusual things.May be these things actually help me being myself .They help me come out of the shell of ambition,greed for success which hides my true inner self which is still too tender and hence susceptible to the slightest of emotional tickle I will term.I wish all those who think I do not remember them or do not miss them anymore read this and know I still miss you all but may be in a way does not fall under the conventional definition of 'missing'.Believe me somewhere deep within my heart is suppressed my immense love for all those whom I do not have with me right here right now.The feelings are never evident perhaps because as shy as me.......I feel like comparing this with something really strange.In turbulence there are something called Kolmogorov scales which are the smallest scales which are essentially of the same nature of any type of turbulent flow and hence used to characterize the flow.In the same way all those small hidden emotions are may be the smallest facets of my inner self but they are what can describe me best.
Getting and admit and finally landing in USA was as coveted a dream as was getting into Narendrapur.So when I came here I was too happy and excited to even remind me of my home.Neither did I miss home when I had to cook food or had to clean my clothes.But I miss my home for the most unusual reasons one can think of.I will start with today(which actually inspired me to write this blog entry).I was listening to song from a Bengali film Anuranon.Subsequently I decided to check out the latest Bengali movies released in 2009.I found a movie called Antaheen (from the same director)to be interesting.I looked all over the internet for links to watch the movie online(only option left .....no Bengali films in US halls around me .... ) but I could not find a single link.I was sitting thinking how can I actually watch the movie and suddenly scenes flashed in my thoughts.Scenes where I saw myself standing in ques in front of Priya to watch my favourite movies.It was a hall I always felt so attached to.I always preferred watching movies there more than the popular multiplexes.So here I was sitting on the couch of my living room and I just cant stop thinking about my home.I felt what the hell am I doing here.....I do not belong here but to my city my home....which has the craziest cricket fans you will find ever,the city which does not sleep for 5 days on the occasion of Durga Puja,a city which is the hub of cultural masterpieces, a city where you find world's best food...... I can go on.But my bonding with Kolkata is not at all evident at most of the times.It always needs a spark something like what happened today.I do not know what conclusion people might draw from this....but this what I am.Deep down I miss my home,my city, my parents and everything that was once part of my life so so much.BUT I never ever realize it ....or show it.Only when I am alone and some strange things acts as spark I start missing everything . The spark can be anything from my inability to watch certain type of Bengali movies to the strange smell in the air on a rainy day......they are always so insignificant and unusual and yet have such a great impact on me.I do not know why is this so but may be during my days back home I had developed a strong bonding with this seemingly insignificant and unusual things.May be these things actually help me being myself .They help me come out of the shell of ambition,greed for success which hides my true inner self which is still too tender and hence susceptible to the slightest of emotional tickle I will term.I wish all those who think I do not remember them or do not miss them anymore read this and know I still miss you all but may be in a way does not fall under the conventional definition of 'missing'.Believe me somewhere deep within my heart is suppressed my immense love for all those whom I do not have with me right here right now.The feelings are never evident perhaps because as shy as me.......I feel like comparing this with something really strange.In turbulence there are something called Kolmogorov scales which are the smallest scales which are essentially of the same nature of any type of turbulent flow and hence used to characterize the flow.In the same way all those small hidden emotions are may be the smallest facets of my inner self but they are what can describe me best.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Hypocrisy
My sun sign in Virgo .....may be that is why I have developed the trait of being introvert and always have trouble in making very good friends.But added to that the nature of people I have come across in my life and the bitter experiences associated with them have made my incapability to befriend people a serious syndrome.
Anyways that is not what I want to talk about here but I want to talk about some strange natures that I have observed in people around me.The first thing that comes to mind regarding this is hypocrisy.I have seen quite a few hypocrites in life.People who claim to have a very strong principle in life but end up being a total fake.College politics is an ideal place to look for hypocrites.They will come to you with inspiring speeches on how strongly they believe youths are the real strength of India and the subsequent need to develop the sense of selflessness amongst them.At the end of day you find out they are just bunch of worthless people who care the least about anything that is not of their benefit.They want some cheap popularity which they have craved for their entire life.Sometimes in life when you are at the crossroads and you choose a path which easy but might not be the right one..... its entirely your decision how you leave your life but you will still find persons showering their unwanted advice on how important it is to take the right path inspite of all hardships till you start feeling guilty.But as time progresses you actually realize when placed in the same situation they choose to do the same as you had done and that too accompanied by some flawless(?) excuse.They are the second kind of hypocrites who acquire pleasure by making people feel guilty and dejected about the decisions they take in their life.I do not know if its actually true in life but most of the people around me who claimed to be true romantic persons with a proper understanding of true love turned out to be the biggest hypocrites.Of course they make you feel or at least try to make you feel you understand so little about how beautiful love is etc. etc. but in the course of time you will actually find out you are actually much more knowledgeable person.I have no idea why these kind of persons have such a deep urge to portray themselves as something/someone they can never be.In the entire process they actually end up breaking budding relationships by trying to prove that this is not true love.
However there is another way of looking at this.Sometimes when you are with such a hypocrite it sometimes is of great benefit to you.It can shape your life making you a better person,a more confident person.It can make you someone who knows whom to trust and whom not too.After you face the worst times in your life things can only get better.It has happened with me and I believe it happens with everyone else too.So in a way we have those hypocrites around us who give us some vital lessons of life.
Anyways that is not what I want to talk about here but I want to talk about some strange natures that I have observed in people around me.The first thing that comes to mind regarding this is hypocrisy.I have seen quite a few hypocrites in life.People who claim to have a very strong principle in life but end up being a total fake.College politics is an ideal place to look for hypocrites.They will come to you with inspiring speeches on how strongly they believe youths are the real strength of India and the subsequent need to develop the sense of selflessness amongst them.At the end of day you find out they are just bunch of worthless people who care the least about anything that is not of their benefit.They want some cheap popularity which they have craved for their entire life.Sometimes in life when you are at the crossroads and you choose a path which easy but might not be the right one..... its entirely your decision how you leave your life but you will still find persons showering their unwanted advice on how important it is to take the right path inspite of all hardships till you start feeling guilty.But as time progresses you actually realize when placed in the same situation they choose to do the same as you had done and that too accompanied by some flawless(?) excuse.They are the second kind of hypocrites who acquire pleasure by making people feel guilty and dejected about the decisions they take in their life.I do not know if its actually true in life but most of the people around me who claimed to be true romantic persons with a proper understanding of true love turned out to be the biggest hypocrites.Of course they make you feel or at least try to make you feel you understand so little about how beautiful love is etc. etc. but in the course of time you will actually find out you are actually much more knowledgeable person.I have no idea why these kind of persons have such a deep urge to portray themselves as something/someone they can never be.In the entire process they actually end up breaking budding relationships by trying to prove that this is not true love.
However there is another way of looking at this.Sometimes when you are with such a hypocrite it sometimes is of great benefit to you.It can shape your life making you a better person,a more confident person.It can make you someone who knows whom to trust and whom not too.After you face the worst times in your life things can only get better.It has happened with me and I believe it happens with everyone else too.So in a way we have those hypocrites around us who give us some vital lessons of life.
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